Five Reasons I Can't Be Friends with Skinny People

I’m not a small person. At all. Mama is thick. I have friends of all sizes. Some I can’t get my arms around and some that would blow away if I sneezed too hard. In my 41 years of living, I have realized something. I just don’t get skinny girls. There are words that come out of their mouths that just don’t register in my chunky brain.

1. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Really? Have you had an Adam’s chocolate peanut butter cheesecake from the cheesecake factory? I know how skinny feels. Hungry. Hungry is how skinny feels. There is just too much mac and cheese, fried chicken, and buttered rolls out there for me to care how skinny feels! On one end there is flat abs, toned legs, and string bikinis. On the other, cream cheese, chocolate chip cookies, and donuts. I choose to take the road less taken. Well, as long as Cracker Barrel is on that road.
2. Want to go on a run? Is somebody chasing me? This one I’ve actually tried. All those ladies jogging in Central Park on TV seem like they are having the time of their lives. Wind blowing through their hair, cute workout clothes. Reality is shins that hurt so bad it feels like knives are shooting up from the ground. I have never realized how much I love oxygen. Every tissue in my lungs were begging me to please just stop the madness! Salting sweat was pouring into my eyes, and I think there was smoke coming from my inner thighs! Sound like fun? I prefer sitting on my couch looking at Pinterest for workout ideas.
   
3. What’s your favorite brand of kale chips? Doritos. Doritos are my favorite kind of kale chips. What the heck? Have you seen that section that’s invading the end of the chip aisle? Veggie chips, sweet potato chips, smart popcorn. Get yourself back over there in with the gluten free, yoga mamas food. Leave my snacks alone. For the love.
4. I’ll just have a salad. This is Hardee’s. They don’t have salad. Here, you can have the lettuce from my double cheeseburger. Do skinny girls really like that much salad? Lettuce is basically crunchy water. You’re eating ice for lunch.
   
5. I feel so fat. Poop. Seriously poop out the lettuce and you’ll be fine. Why do skinny girls say this? I have a friend who is literally half my size and says this all the time. I always smile and tell her she’s being silly, but what I really want to do is poke her in the eye with my fat sausage fingers.  

So there you have it. Some of you out there may be whispering that I’m just jealous of these cute skinny girls. No, mam’. I’ve spent my life worrying about my weight. In all truth, my mom had a heart attack partly based on her weight. I know it’s important to be healthy, and I teach my kids about balance. But, let it go people! Have a waffle with whipped cream once in awhile and find a reason to smile.

Blank Page

So, yeah, okay. My mom is dead. There. I said it. She has been dead for almost 18 months. She was alive and posting a new video on Facebook one minute and dead the next.

She died at her house by herself. I could have maybe saved her if I had been there, but I wasn’t. And it’s ok. It really is. Well, most of the time it’s ok. Just not late at night when my mind wanders.

What I’ve learned over these 18 months is nobody has any idea what it feels like. Even my husband. Even my very best friend. It’s a place where I am totally alone and everything stops.

My life story was being written and played out. Fanciful childhood. Rebellious teen. Wandering college student. Wife. Mother. All right in order. We had been through changes, hard times . . . but things were good and moving forward.

Then a page turned, and it was blank. Not like the ink slowly running out with a little warning. One page was full of verbs, adjectives, action and then . . . nothing . . . a perfectly blank page.

That’s the only way to describe it - blank space. Nobody’s hugs, kind words, or casseroles could fill the space. It was a space that was just for my Febreze spraying, scarf wearing, perfect penmanship writing mama. And she was gone. She is gone.

I’ve always thought the best thing about the Twilight series was when Stephanie Myers didn’t write. When Edward left Bella, Meyers just left the pages empty. She must have lost someone important, because she gets it. It’s just empty.

I have a friend who recently lost her son in a tragic accident. I wanted to write her a sweet note to soothe the pain. But when I pulled out paper to write . . . nothing. I could have send her the blank sheet, and I think she would have understood.

So where do I go? I know my mom wouldn’t want my story to end with hers. But the weight of the pen is so heavy. Somedays, it’s just too hard to pick up. Somedays, the story comes pouring out too fast, and I wish I could go back and erase what was written.

Know that when you see me, it still takes a lot of energy to keep writing my story and those blank pages jump out and still surprise me. But I know one day my book will be finished, so I just keep trying to find my story.