Blank Page

So, yeah, okay. My mom is dead. There. I said it. She has been dead for almost 18 months. She was alive and posting a new video on Facebook one minute and dead the next.

She died at her house by herself. I could have maybe saved her if I had been there, but I wasn’t. And it’s ok. It really is. Well, most of the time it’s ok. Just not late at night when my mind wanders.

What I’ve learned over these 18 months is nobody has any idea what it feels like. Even my husband. Even my very best friend. It’s a place where I am totally alone and everything stops.

My life story was being written and played out. Fanciful childhood. Rebellious teen. Wandering college student. Wife. Mother. All right in order. We had been through changes, hard times . . . but things were good and moving forward.

Then a page turned, and it was blank. Not like the ink slowly running out with a little warning. One page was full of verbs, adjectives, action and then . . . nothing . . . a perfectly blank page.

That’s the only way to describe it - blank space. Nobody’s hugs, kind words, or casseroles could fill the space. It was a space that was just for my Febreze spraying, scarf wearing, perfect penmanship writing mama. And she was gone. She is gone.

I’ve always thought the best thing about the Twilight series was when Stephanie Myers didn’t write. When Edward left Bella, Meyers just left the pages empty. She must have lost someone important, because she gets it. It’s just empty.

I have a friend who recently lost her son in a tragic accident. I wanted to write her a sweet note to soothe the pain. But when I pulled out paper to write . . . nothing. I could have send her the blank sheet, and I think she would have understood.

So where do I go? I know my mom wouldn’t want my story to end with hers. But the weight of the pen is so heavy. Somedays, it’s just too hard to pick up. Somedays, the story comes pouring out too fast, and I wish I could go back and erase what was written.

Know that when you see me, it still takes a lot of energy to keep writing my story and those blank pages jump out and still surprise me. But I know one day my book will be finished, so I just keep trying to find my story.